Tapped Out

As you know, we've all been pretty busy.  However, I have really been having a hard time keeping up lately.  I am a "push through it, we'll rest when we're dead" kind of person.  Lately, I've been feeling like I'm just about there, which is a problem.  I would never say I'm a patient person, but I have been exceptionally bad lately.  I've been very snappy and very anxious as of late.  I've been having trouble sleeping.  I've been having digestive issues.  I've been EXHAUSTED.  I have been feeling tapped out. 

This weekend was a low point for me.  On Saturday I took the kids out of the house for most of the day so Papa could study in solitude.  I was incredibly short tempered from the very start.  Just getting out of the house seemed like a battle.  Get your shoes on!  Get your coat!  Why are we having to do this ten times!?!  We finally got out and about, but I was still incredibly edgy.  I was driving the "new" car that we just got back from having minor repairs made, only to realize they didn't fix the sunroof and the entire roof of the car was wet, with water dripping from the dvd player.  That didn't help calm me.  As the day went on, I felt my chest getting tighter and tighter.  I felt like crying.  I was incredibly anxious.  We got home.  Papa had been in touch with the dealership during the day about the sunroof and I was asking him questions.  I needed him to get to the chase and answer them - Mama doesn't have time for long stories.  He snapped at me to just let him finish.  I lost it.  I screamed.  I yelled.  I threw stuff.  I went upstairs, stripped down, got in the shower and cried.  I cried and I prayed.  I cried because I didn't know what was wrong with me.  I cried because I had reached my limit.  I cried because all I wanted to do was be alone and all I wanted to do was hug my babies - all at the same time.  I cried because I felt that I give so much of me to the kids and the family and keeping everything going that there was nothing left of me.  There was nothing.  I was nothing.  I prayed for the strength to keep pushing along.  I prayed for clarity.  I prayed for me to figure out what the heck was wrong with me.  I prayed that I wasn't really, truly, tapped out.

Papa came up.  He told me to take all the time I needed - but I couldn't.  I had to make dinner and get everyone set.  He said he would take care of it.  I tried to explain how I was feeling - he didn't understand.  How could he understand?  I didn't even understand.  There was more yelling and I went back to my then cold shower.  I wrapped it up, got dressed, went downstairs and made dinner.  I went through the motions, did my tasks and then went to bed, even though it felt like my heart was pounding and I was a ball of anxiety.  The next day I didn't feel any better.  I said we were going to skip church for a mental health day.  I needed to shake out of it.  Why did I feel like crying? Why was I so tired?  I can't do what needs to be done feeling like this.  My usual "snap out of it" methods weren't working.

As I nursed our son before his nap, it hit me.  My son is 17 months old and I STILL don't have my period back.  Yes - 17 months, plus 9 months of pregnancy - I haven't had a period since 2011. TMI?  Not when you're in a "medical" family. In the last two weeks I have stopped any night time nursing and he has gone from two naps to one.  His nursing has basically been cut in half.  I remember my mood swings and hormones were really unpleasant towards the end of nursing with my daughter, but nothing like this.  I had gotten my cycle back at around 9-12 months with her and nursed 7-9 months after that, so I think that helped.  I remembered an article someone posted in a parent's group that I'm in about depression/anxiety while weaning.  That is exactly what is going on.  I'm basically going through a momentary postpartum depression/anxiety while my hormones level out.  I forwarded it to my husband since, of course, I was browsing on my phone while nursing our son.  We went for a long walk/bike ride that afternoon as a family.  Being in the sun and moving helped me immensely.  I realized that I hadn't worked out at all on Friday and Saturday, and I had felt progressively worse those days.  That evening, I asked my husband what his treatment plan would be for someone in my position - exercise, sun and socializing 'till everything levels out.  There is always medication....but that is not a route I am personally comfortable with, especially knowing it should be a temporary thing.

I had hoped I would wake up feeling better today, since I've now realized what the issue is.  I didn't.  So, I rounded up the kids, packed up some snacks, and I went to therapy.

Nature's very own antidepressant.