Religion

Perhaps one of the biggest shifts in our little family has been our involvement in religion and the development of our faith.  When I really sit back and think on it, that has possibly played the biggest factor in our current path and the biggest thing that has changed since our big move.  I'm Catholic.  I was raised Catholic and went to church every weekend and prayed before meals and observed holy days of obligation...while I lived at home.  Then I got older and went off on my own and kind of left all that behind.  Sure, I usually went on holidays and I got married in a Catholic church but that was the biggest involvement I had. After marriage we went together for Easter and Christmas.  That's pretty much it.  Then we had our daughter and I knew I wanted her raised in the church - or at least knowing what the inside of it looked like.  We had her baptized and occasionally went to weekend mass, but we still were not consistent.  We got to a point where we were really trying to get our daughter to sleep through the night and routine (and not nursing them to sleep) is supposed to be crucial for that, so we began putting her in her crib awake and saying prayers with her as the last thing EVERY NIGHT.  Thus began our family praying together.  Several months later I had a bad dream/scenario that I mentioned to my sister and she brought up demonic oppression.  Uh, yeah, okay, sure.  But she had planted a seed.  I started thinking about how we just seemed stuck and somehow no longer seemed able to focus on improving ourselves and the world around us and we seemed to be pulled down by situations that surrounded us (perhaps I'll expand on those some day) that I honestly felt were toying with evil and I did not want to raise a child around.  We were being buried in so many different ways.  So, when we said those nightly prayers I started adding a bit on about helping us to make the right decisions for our family.

Then things started to change.  We seemed to have more focus and that is when I brought up moving during one of our nightly walks Downtown.  From there, things seemed to line up.  Those prayers every night continued and we asked for guidance and strength.  In one way or another, we got it.  Trust me - I don't think anyone that knew my Husband (especially my husband!!!) and me at that point would think that we were sitting around, the three of us, praying out loud together, at bedtime.  But we were.  I knew that when we moved we would have to find a parish.  I looked online at all the Catholic churches and tried to decide which one to try.  I found one that mentioned a tot playgroup where the parents took turns teaching the lessons each week and I knew that is the one I wanted to try!  Things got busy with our move, settlement was scheduled but the job still was not secured - and we got the last minute news that my husband was suddenly not accepted into Idaho State's NP program.  Some road blocks for sure.  My husband did a trip out to do a hard push for employment a couple weeks before our scheduled move.  He came back feeling dejected.  We prayed more - help us make the right decisions, help us make the right decisions - we did worry a bit that we weren't making the right ones.  The week that he got back he got an offer, and it was better than he was making in Maryland.  It all lined up right before the big move. 

When we got out here I knew we had to go to mass for our mental health and to start getting involved in the community out here.  I couldn't remember which parish I wanted to try, so we just went to the closest one to our new home.  They had JAMMING music.  Never before had I heard drums played in a Catholic church.  I grabbed a bulletin on our way out and looked over it later and on the front page was contact info for the church playgroup - it was the parish I had wanted to try.  I sent off an email and joined them for their field trip the following Friday.  

I remember one of the first homilies after we started going there was about asking someone that has made a point of attending church every week for a whole year and they will tell you they are better off for it.  I can't argue with that.  We've been going almost every week for two years and I can't tell you how much our family has flourished because of it.  Not only have they helped us, but I am hopefully giving back by now organizing the playgroup for them and helping with religious education. Honestly, I'm the one being educated during the whole process.  

I will admit right now that I've had my fair share of non-Catholic behaviors, trust me.  But I've come to the realization that it is okay - we are all flawed.  Every. Single. One. Of. Us.  What we have to do is earnestly strive to be better - recognize what we've done wrong - change it.  That doesn't mean we don't fail - over and over - but we have to TRY to be better.  I was raised Catholic, but I have reached a point where I feel I choose to be Catholic, not just because that is what I was baptized as.  It makes sense to me.  I'm not going to say that I don't have conflicts with all of their teachings - but I UNDERSTAND them.  I can see why they are their teachings.  I honestly struggle with transubstantiation - but I get it.  Honestly NFP scare the bejesus out of me - but I get it.

Faith has played such a huge role in shaping this road that we are on now.  Hubs won't get rich opening a rural care clinic, but he will be helping undeserved people.  He will be doing something to help his fellow neighbor.  He wants that so badly.  We are in a position now where I am able to donate my time and energy to helping others, even if it is just watching someones kids for a couple hours or gathering up food to donate.  

A couple months ago a saying struck me - I have no idea if I read it or heard it but it resonated with me, and I can not for the life of me find the quote or think of the right wording even though I could find it weeks ago.  It was basically that everything we do should be for Him, because everything is from Him.  I see it as, my life should be lived doing good for others, improving others lives, being the caring and generous person He wants me to be, because He is the reason for my life in the first place.  Was that too deep for you?  I know - I'm weirding myself out at this point too.  But it honestly gives me a sense of peace.  It is so easy to get caught up in current society and trends and culture - how many of us stop and ask ourselves what we are doing to improve the lives of others?  Even if you're not religious - when you are on your deathbed, are you going to wish you had more clothes or technology or money or are you going to wish you spent more time with your family or helping your neighbor?  Are you going to wish you spent more time loving?  I guess you could say I've reached the "what is the point of it all" stage in my life and found my answer for now.  Our point is to see what we can do to love more, help more, praise more - see if we can live the way we feel we are supposed to.  I can't say it will be without bumps and my husband is admittedly not an organized religion kind of guy, but he prays with me, goes to church with me, and loves me.  Even if he doesn't feel that he is a man of God - I see it in him.  This journey is forcing both of us to really assess how we feel about it all and what role it is playing in our life.  So far, it appears to be a pretty big one.

Too deep?  Yeah, it's been a crazy two years.  The whole point of this blog is to explain why we've made the choices we've made and why we are following this path. Hopefully my sleep deprived Mommy brain is explaining it in a way that helps you all understand it - but I can't make any promises. ;-)

New foundations - finances

When you're young, you think you know it all.  Yes, I admit it. You are going along with what culture is doing - what you're supposed to do.  Guilty.  Guilty.  Guilty.  But the great thing about life is that you can change.  You can step back and look at how you've been doing things and ask why.  Admittedly, not everyone wants to.  Some people have perfectly fine reasons for why they are doing things the way they are.  We realized our reasons weren't really that good.  Thank God.

I firmly believe people are put in our lives for a reason.  We learn from them, good and bad.  We learn about others and about ourselves.  In Maryland we became friends with some people we were politically aligned with.  One of them was a man we'll call Mark.  He and his wife are closer in age to my parents than to us, but we still meshed well.  We respected their opinion and when we made our decision to move, we asked them to dinner to discuss it with them. 

That night changed our lives. 

We told them our plan.  We were done with Maryland.  We were going to head west.  We would just rent out our properties in Maryland and manage it somehow.  We knew we were supposed to move, we just had to figure out how to make the details work.  We were drowning where we were and had no idea how an advanced degree and another child would be possible there.  It was looking like we would have to shell out at least $1000/month to cover the difference between the mortgage payment and rent we could get for our house, but what other option did we have?

Mark asked us "Why don't you just sell it."

"Well.....it would have to be a short sale."

 "Yes, but if they agree to it, what is the problem?"

 "Well......we signed a contract.  We promised to pay.  I just don't feel comfortable with that."

"Yes, but it is done in business every day.  Your circumstances have changed, so you can see if they are willing to renegotiate your contract.  They can always say no."

That very moment changed everything.  The reality is, most of us approach things on an emotional level, yet that is not how the corporate world around us is operating.  We were not approaching it from the perspective that it simply was not a feasible contract anymore.  It's business.  That is how they are operating yet not how we were. 

So we asked if they would renegotiate the contract.  And they did.  And our foundation was changed forever.  In addition to the house being sold, we brought a chunk of money to the table and we all agreed to settle the debt.  The transaction worked out for all and we started our next phase with a completely different outlook on finances.

 Why do we go into massive amounts of debt to feel that we have the "American Dream" of home ownership?  The reality is, there are lots of expenses that come with that "dream".  The reality is, debt is a burden.  The reality is, if you have debt, you are not free.  I can almost guarantee the ones that have been selling this dream are also the ones that have convinced the government to make your loan interest tax deductible, you know, to make getting into the massive debt sound like an even better idea. Did you know credit card interest used to be tax deductible?  How has that worked out for everyone?

We've embarked on a whole new life because we see everything with different eyes now. We can now move where ever and whenever we want.  We bought into the idea that you had to buy when rates were low and your home would appreciate and blah, blah, blah. Um, our house sold for more than $100k less than what we bought it for (with a fixed rate loan) five years earlier.  We were young professionals and were supposed to buy a house (before having kids, of course)......but were then stuck when our life goals changed and property taxes continued to go up and home values crashed around us.  It was our fault.  We own it.  There was no one to blame but ourselves.  So now we are doing it differently.

For now, we rent. Do I miss being able to make our home "ours" with personalized paint colors?  Of course, but is that really important?  Life has been considerably cheaper as a renter.  I don't worry about our furniture or decor being "just right" because who knows where we'll end up - so we use what we have.  Imagine that.  I'm much more content to have extra money in savings than to have an entertainment center that looks "just right" in our living room. We accumulate far less junk and have been getting rid of things, because who wants to move all that stuff another time?  Oh, the kitchen faucet isn't working?  The landlord gets to take care of that.  We still keep a nice house and do any repairs where we can (with prior landlord approval and reimbursement, of course) because we are decent people and want to live in nice conditions, but there is a very nice level of comfort when you know that if the roof needs to be replaced, it isn't coming out of our savings.

 Do I hope to own a home again someday?  Honestly, yes.  But there will be a huge difference.  Either we will pay for it all in cash, or you better believe that loan will be minimal and that land is going to be capable of contributing to our family through either food or income and that is just what it will do.  There are no free rides.  Yes, I like to feel all warm and squishy inside, but I like to be free of the shackles of debt even more.  We've also basically gotten out of the stock market, except for some retirement stuff that isn't as easy to move around.  We just don't trust it.  Easy come, easy go.  Do I really trust those people/companies, that I don't really know, to have my best interests in mind?   Nah.  At this point it is pretty clear that it is all a game where those in power are picking the winners and losers anyways.  We decided to take our ball and go home.  We're not playing that game anymore.  And you know what?  It feels so much better. (This is where you start thinking we are conspiracy kooks, right?)

We have used this new foundation to rebuild our savings.  Aside from some unforeseen student loan debt, we are doing well.  The plan from here is, once Hubs is done with his degree, to have him practice in a health care shortage area to get that debt forgiven.  Nice part is, almost all of this state, except one or two counties, is considered a health care shortage area. Yup, he'll basically have to be someone's b*tch for three years because he owes them.  That's what debt is - "something, typically money, that is owed or due."

We are at a point that we really prefer not to owe anyone anything.  We would rather be free to succeed (or fail) on our own.

Tapped Out

As you know, we've all been pretty busy.  However, I have really been having a hard time keeping up lately.  I am a "push through it, we'll rest when we're dead" kind of person.  Lately, I've been feeling like I'm just about there, which is a problem.  I would never say I'm a patient person, but I have been exceptionally bad lately.  I've been very snappy and very anxious as of late.  I've been having trouble sleeping.  I've been having digestive issues.  I've been EXHAUSTED.  I have been feeling tapped out. 

This weekend was a low point for me.  On Saturday I took the kids out of the house for most of the day so Papa could study in solitude.  I was incredibly short tempered from the very start.  Just getting out of the house seemed like a battle.  Get your shoes on!  Get your coat!  Why are we having to do this ten times!?!  We finally got out and about, but I was still incredibly edgy.  I was driving the "new" car that we just got back from having minor repairs made, only to realize they didn't fix the sunroof and the entire roof of the car was wet, with water dripping from the dvd player.  That didn't help calm me.  As the day went on, I felt my chest getting tighter and tighter.  I felt like crying.  I was incredibly anxious.  We got home.  Papa had been in touch with the dealership during the day about the sunroof and I was asking him questions.  I needed him to get to the chase and answer them - Mama doesn't have time for long stories.  He snapped at me to just let him finish.  I lost it.  I screamed.  I yelled.  I threw stuff.  I went upstairs, stripped down, got in the shower and cried.  I cried and I prayed.  I cried because I didn't know what was wrong with me.  I cried because I had reached my limit.  I cried because all I wanted to do was be alone and all I wanted to do was hug my babies - all at the same time.  I cried because I felt that I give so much of me to the kids and the family and keeping everything going that there was nothing left of me.  There was nothing.  I was nothing.  I prayed for the strength to keep pushing along.  I prayed for clarity.  I prayed for me to figure out what the heck was wrong with me.  I prayed that I wasn't really, truly, tapped out.

Papa came up.  He told me to take all the time I needed - but I couldn't.  I had to make dinner and get everyone set.  He said he would take care of it.  I tried to explain how I was feeling - he didn't understand.  How could he understand?  I didn't even understand.  There was more yelling and I went back to my then cold shower.  I wrapped it up, got dressed, went downstairs and made dinner.  I went through the motions, did my tasks and then went to bed, even though it felt like my heart was pounding and I was a ball of anxiety.  The next day I didn't feel any better.  I said we were going to skip church for a mental health day.  I needed to shake out of it.  Why did I feel like crying? Why was I so tired?  I can't do what needs to be done feeling like this.  My usual "snap out of it" methods weren't working.

As I nursed our son before his nap, it hit me.  My son is 17 months old and I STILL don't have my period back.  Yes - 17 months, plus 9 months of pregnancy - I haven't had a period since 2011. TMI?  Not when you're in a "medical" family. In the last two weeks I have stopped any night time nursing and he has gone from two naps to one.  His nursing has basically been cut in half.  I remember my mood swings and hormones were really unpleasant towards the end of nursing with my daughter, but nothing like this.  I had gotten my cycle back at around 9-12 months with her and nursed 7-9 months after that, so I think that helped.  I remembered an article someone posted in a parent's group that I'm in about depression/anxiety while weaning.  That is exactly what is going on.  I'm basically going through a momentary postpartum depression/anxiety while my hormones level out.  I forwarded it to my husband since, of course, I was browsing on my phone while nursing our son.  We went for a long walk/bike ride that afternoon as a family.  Being in the sun and moving helped me immensely.  I realized that I hadn't worked out at all on Friday and Saturday, and I had felt progressively worse those days.  That evening, I asked my husband what his treatment plan would be for someone in my position - exercise, sun and socializing 'till everything levels out.  There is always medication....but that is not a route I am personally comfortable with, especially knowing it should be a temporary thing.

I had hoped I would wake up feeling better today, since I've now realized what the issue is.  I didn't.  So, I rounded up the kids, packed up some snacks, and I went to therapy.

Nature's very own antidepressant.

The Little Things

My husband is a busy man these days.  He is completing his Masters at Georgetown, while working full time and supporting our family.  He is typically up and at work (or clinicals, which is seeing patients in an office under the supervision of a registered NP, without pay of course) by 7 am.  He is then on his feet all day (his "day job" is an OR Nurse) and gets off around  7:30pm, sometimes later.  He then comes home, peeks in to kiss the kids goodnight, staying with our daughter for a bit if she happens to still be awake.  He then scarfs down whatever leftovers are waiting for him and either chats with me for a couple minutes or goes right to studying.  He typically goes to bed around midnight or later.  So, yeah, I think that qualifies him as busy. 

Things didn't always used to be this way.  When we first got married he was finishing up his Associates in Nursing.  He already had a Bachelor's in Art, but decided he wanted to do something different.  He was going to school full time, working one day a week doing bathroom design, and I worked full time.  His parent's paid for his school and supplemented his income, but we left that money in savings and lived off of my earnings.  I was the head of the household.  I was supporting us.  I also did my fair share (I would have told you it was actually more) of cleaning and "housekeeping".  He eventually graduated and got a job as an RN.  Our incomes were basically even at that point.  Then, along came a kid.  I switched to working 4 days a week and he also worked four tens, so each of us was home one day a week with our daughter and she only needed care three times a week.  We paid my Mother to watch her those three days a week until my Mother returned to her "school year" job.  That was when we realized I needed to be home with her.  We needed the extra income though.  So - I made it happen.  I got licensed to do home day care and opened my own childcare business.  I went from finance to child care.  That was a big change.  But I made it happen. We had extra cash coming in and I got to guarantee my daughter was getting the care and attention I felt was necessary, even if it meant 12 hr days 5 days a week.  That has always been my role in our relationship - I MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.  If my husband has expressed a dream - I try to make it a reality.  You want to be an RN?  Let's make it happen.  You want to live around mountains and wildlife?  Let's make it happen. You want to be a rural care Nurse Practitioner?  Let's make it happen.

My husband had mentioned moving "west" several times.  He wanted to live in nature, away from big cities.  He wanted me to be able to stay at home and not HAVE to bring in extra income.  He had even packed away things we barely used and put them in the basement because he really wanted to do it.  We talked about it but life went on.  Were we really going to leave our home state?  Were we really going to leave our families?  With a child and dog and owning two properties? I still remember the night I said - Well, let's make it happen.  We were doing our nightly walk with our daughter and dog, walking through the Downtown area that we lived in.  I had an "aha" moment earlier that week.  Quitting my job and starting a day care business had been a huge risk, but the payoff had been great.  The biggest risks really can bring the biggest rewards. So, let's move.  Let's see what happens.  Let's try it.  He agreed.  So, long story short, we ended up in Idaho, with me at home with our children, and him pursuing his dream of opening a rural clinic.

I take care of everything on the home front.  Everything.  All those little things that make a household run.  He has been taking care of the big things.  Work and school.  I will be honest that I have often found myself annoyed when I find dishes left on the table, or dirty clothes dumped next to the bed.  Could he really not make the effort to put them in the sink or put the clothes in the dirty clothes pile?  Yes, he is working non stop, but so am I.  I don't get a break either, right?  I'm making this place run, I'm making it possible for him to not have to worry about anything at home, couldn't he do a little thing here or there?  I give so much of myself, between the kids and keeping this ship afloat.  Can't he do some of the little things sometimes?

Today I had another "Aha" moment.  We recently bought a "new" vehicle and the dealer gave us a loaner to use while they fixed some minor things.  My husband took that to work so I wouldn't have to worry about installing the car seats in it.  We had gymnastics today.  I loaded the kids into their car seats and hopped in the driver's seat.  I went to put the key in and stopped.  The car was full of wrappers.  The dashboard was all dusty.  There were coffee spills.  I wanted to cry.  Tears came to my eyes.  This man has always kept his cars spotless.  It is one of those things that has always mattered to him.  He cleans out MY car whenever he rides in it.  But his car was a mess.  He has stopped doing that one little thing for himself, that I know matters so much to him, so that he can do all of these big things for us.  He is making things happen.  He has stepped up to the plate and HE is making things happen.  It reminded me that I am not the only one giving every last once of myself to this family - he is too.  He has given up doing the little things so that he can do the big things.

So, after our morning errands we did what we should.  We cleaned up the inside of the car and filled the gas tank.  We took care of some of the little things so Papa can focus on the big things.

He did apparently have one little thing in there for himself. 

 A note I left him almost a year ago.

After all, it's the little things.

The Moment

I would describe myself as a strong woman.  I suspect those that know me would as well.  Strong physically, mentally and emotionally.  That's not to say I don't have my moments, but we all do.  Weak, meek and passive are not terms that would most likely be used to refer to me.  I've had a job since I was 15, working full time during the summers as a lifeguard.  I've worked in food service. I've worked in fitness. I've worked in finance.  All while going to school at the same time.  I eventually worked in childcare and now I work at home.  I was the poster child for "Strong Women".  I even tried to go to a meeting for football tryouts when I was in high school. I could do ANYTHING.  I am woman, hear me roar.  Would I consider myself a feminist?  Not a modern feminist.  Something always struck me as off with that......

I remember the moment that I fully realized the damage that modern feminism has done.  I was sitting with my then almost 3 year old daughter.  We had welcomed our son into the world a couple months earlier.  We were sitting and playing and we somehow got talking about professions.  We talked about what her Papa does (an OR Nurse) and I asked her what she wanted to do when she grew up.  Her response?  "I want to be a Mommy!"  Want to know what my initial reaction was?  "Oh, no, I mean what job do you want to have when you grow up?" I didn't say it, but I thought it.  I actually thought that.  This little girl sees Motherhood as a wonderful, important role and that is what she wants to do when she grows up and my initial thought was that it wasn't a "real" job.  And it's MY job!  Sure, it might not happen.  She might not have children.  She might not be a Mommy.  But how many kids say they want to be an astronaut or president or police officer and that doesn't happen either?  We still encourage them and tell them to go for it.  Why would it be any different if they say they want to stay at home and focus all of their efforts on raising, teaching and loving their (or someone else's) children?

Modern feminism has made us feel that Motherhood is not good enough.  It is not a valid "career" choice.  Men can't be Mother's, so it isn't an arena where we can exert our "equality" so it isn't worth focusing our efforts on.  Instead of embracing the differences of the sexes and promoting ALL of our strengths, we've somehow belittled women EVEN MORE and deemed the only worthy pursuits to be the one's that Men do too.  How screwed up is that?  While "empowering" women, we've belittled them. 

How can raising and shaping the next generation not be a worthy career choice?  How have we gotten to this point?  Without even getting into the massive amount of work being a stay at home Mother is, you're shaping and molding and nurturing the future firefighters, surgeons, biologists, teachers, mothers and fathers. If you have children and work outside the home, you have to outsource the care and raising of the children, right?  That simple fact should show that Motherhood is a job and that it should be viewed as a respectible career choice.

My initial reaction to my daughter's response really disgusted me.  It was a huge moment of self reflection and deciding what was really important to us - to ME.  If I REALLY feel that my daughter can do ANYTHING - that includes being a Mommy.  Am I really respecting MYSELF if that was my reaction? I had to do lots of reflection after that moment.  I am at a point now that I am more at peace with my role at home, with my children.

Do I call myself a feminist?
No.

I am Mama.
Hear me roar.


If your child told you that is what they wanted to be when they grew up - what would be your first thought?

Where we'll stop, nobody knows.

We're on a journey.  A journey to find our home.  I use that term loosely.  "Home is where the heart is" blah, blah, blah.  Yes, yes, I'm aware.  That is why we are on this journey TOGETHER.  As a FAMILY.  Navigating the bumps and cliffs along the road as a team.  Making sure our "home" is hospitable to all of us.  Us.  My husband.  My children.  Me. Not society. Not the cultural norms.  Not even how our families feel it should be.  This is our rugged road home.

Years ago, my husband and I realized we lived where we lived because that happened to be where we were born and where we grew up.  That didn't mean we belonged there.  It didn't mean we fit in there.  We had our first child.  Things changed.  We had to decide how we really felt about things rather than letting the world tell us how we felt.  We had purpose.  We had responsibility.  We had some changes to make.

Oh boy, did we make some changes.  We packed up, sold our properties and moved cross country.  Leaving behind our friends and family.  Not knowing ANYONE here.  Being halfway through another pregnancy.  We risked everything for, well, everything.  My husband didn't even have a job secured until a month before our move. I became a stay at home mother.  Most of our savings went towards dumping our properties and paying for our move.  We didn't have much of a safety net financially or socially.  But this is what we wanted.  This was our first giant step towards finding our home.

We have made so many discoveries, sacrifices, realizations and changes along the way.  Each one making us feel closer and closer to home.  Closer to discovering where we should be.  Closer to discovering how we really feel.  Closer to discovering our purpose.

I need to share these lessons, discoveries, realizations, sacrifices, pains, joys with someone.  Everyone.  Will you join me on our rugged road home?

~CMK