Religion

Perhaps one of the biggest shifts in our little family has been our involvement in religion and the development of our faith.  When I really sit back and think on it, that has possibly played the biggest factor in our current path and the biggest thing that has changed since our big move.  I'm Catholic.  I was raised Catholic and went to church every weekend and prayed before meals and observed holy days of obligation...while I lived at home.  Then I got older and went off on my own and kind of left all that behind.  Sure, I usually went on holidays and I got married in a Catholic church but that was the biggest involvement I had. After marriage we went together for Easter and Christmas.  That's pretty much it.  Then we had our daughter and I knew I wanted her raised in the church - or at least knowing what the inside of it looked like.  We had her baptized and occasionally went to weekend mass, but we still were not consistent.  We got to a point where we were really trying to get our daughter to sleep through the night and routine (and not nursing them to sleep) is supposed to be crucial for that, so we began putting her in her crib awake and saying prayers with her as the last thing EVERY NIGHT.  Thus began our family praying together.  Several months later I had a bad dream/scenario that I mentioned to my sister and she brought up demonic oppression.  Uh, yeah, okay, sure.  But she had planted a seed.  I started thinking about how we just seemed stuck and somehow no longer seemed able to focus on improving ourselves and the world around us and we seemed to be pulled down by situations that surrounded us (perhaps I'll expand on those some day) that I honestly felt were toying with evil and I did not want to raise a child around.  We were being buried in so many different ways.  So, when we said those nightly prayers I started adding a bit on about helping us to make the right decisions for our family.

Then things started to change.  We seemed to have more focus and that is when I brought up moving during one of our nightly walks Downtown.  From there, things seemed to line up.  Those prayers every night continued and we asked for guidance and strength.  In one way or another, we got it.  Trust me - I don't think anyone that knew my Husband (especially my husband!!!) and me at that point would think that we were sitting around, the three of us, praying out loud together, at bedtime.  But we were.  I knew that when we moved we would have to find a parish.  I looked online at all the Catholic churches and tried to decide which one to try.  I found one that mentioned a tot playgroup where the parents took turns teaching the lessons each week and I knew that is the one I wanted to try!  Things got busy with our move, settlement was scheduled but the job still was not secured - and we got the last minute news that my husband was suddenly not accepted into Idaho State's NP program.  Some road blocks for sure.  My husband did a trip out to do a hard push for employment a couple weeks before our scheduled move.  He came back feeling dejected.  We prayed more - help us make the right decisions, help us make the right decisions - we did worry a bit that we weren't making the right ones.  The week that he got back he got an offer, and it was better than he was making in Maryland.  It all lined up right before the big move. 

When we got out here I knew we had to go to mass for our mental health and to start getting involved in the community out here.  I couldn't remember which parish I wanted to try, so we just went to the closest one to our new home.  They had JAMMING music.  Never before had I heard drums played in a Catholic church.  I grabbed a bulletin on our way out and looked over it later and on the front page was contact info for the church playgroup - it was the parish I had wanted to try.  I sent off an email and joined them for their field trip the following Friday.  

I remember one of the first homilies after we started going there was about asking someone that has made a point of attending church every week for a whole year and they will tell you they are better off for it.  I can't argue with that.  We've been going almost every week for two years and I can't tell you how much our family has flourished because of it.  Not only have they helped us, but I am hopefully giving back by now organizing the playgroup for them and helping with religious education. Honestly, I'm the one being educated during the whole process.  

I will admit right now that I've had my fair share of non-Catholic behaviors, trust me.  But I've come to the realization that it is okay - we are all flawed.  Every. Single. One. Of. Us.  What we have to do is earnestly strive to be better - recognize what we've done wrong - change it.  That doesn't mean we don't fail - over and over - but we have to TRY to be better.  I was raised Catholic, but I have reached a point where I feel I choose to be Catholic, not just because that is what I was baptized as.  It makes sense to me.  I'm not going to say that I don't have conflicts with all of their teachings - but I UNDERSTAND them.  I can see why they are their teachings.  I honestly struggle with transubstantiation - but I get it.  Honestly NFP scare the bejesus out of me - but I get it.

Faith has played such a huge role in shaping this road that we are on now.  Hubs won't get rich opening a rural care clinic, but he will be helping undeserved people.  He will be doing something to help his fellow neighbor.  He wants that so badly.  We are in a position now where I am able to donate my time and energy to helping others, even if it is just watching someones kids for a couple hours or gathering up food to donate.  

A couple months ago a saying struck me - I have no idea if I read it or heard it but it resonated with me, and I can not for the life of me find the quote or think of the right wording even though I could find it weeks ago.  It was basically that everything we do should be for Him, because everything is from Him.  I see it as, my life should be lived doing good for others, improving others lives, being the caring and generous person He wants me to be, because He is the reason for my life in the first place.  Was that too deep for you?  I know - I'm weirding myself out at this point too.  But it honestly gives me a sense of peace.  It is so easy to get caught up in current society and trends and culture - how many of us stop and ask ourselves what we are doing to improve the lives of others?  Even if you're not religious - when you are on your deathbed, are you going to wish you had more clothes or technology or money or are you going to wish you spent more time with your family or helping your neighbor?  Are you going to wish you spent more time loving?  I guess you could say I've reached the "what is the point of it all" stage in my life and found my answer for now.  Our point is to see what we can do to love more, help more, praise more - see if we can live the way we feel we are supposed to.  I can't say it will be without bumps and my husband is admittedly not an organized religion kind of guy, but he prays with me, goes to church with me, and loves me.  Even if he doesn't feel that he is a man of God - I see it in him.  This journey is forcing both of us to really assess how we feel about it all and what role it is playing in our life.  So far, it appears to be a pretty big one.

Too deep?  Yeah, it's been a crazy two years.  The whole point of this blog is to explain why we've made the choices we've made and why we are following this path. Hopefully my sleep deprived Mommy brain is explaining it in a way that helps you all understand it - but I can't make any promises. ;-)

The Little Things

My husband is a busy man these days.  He is completing his Masters at Georgetown, while working full time and supporting our family.  He is typically up and at work (or clinicals, which is seeing patients in an office under the supervision of a registered NP, without pay of course) by 7 am.  He is then on his feet all day (his "day job" is an OR Nurse) and gets off around  7:30pm, sometimes later.  He then comes home, peeks in to kiss the kids goodnight, staying with our daughter for a bit if she happens to still be awake.  He then scarfs down whatever leftovers are waiting for him and either chats with me for a couple minutes or goes right to studying.  He typically goes to bed around midnight or later.  So, yeah, I think that qualifies him as busy. 

Things didn't always used to be this way.  When we first got married he was finishing up his Associates in Nursing.  He already had a Bachelor's in Art, but decided he wanted to do something different.  He was going to school full time, working one day a week doing bathroom design, and I worked full time.  His parent's paid for his school and supplemented his income, but we left that money in savings and lived off of my earnings.  I was the head of the household.  I was supporting us.  I also did my fair share (I would have told you it was actually more) of cleaning and "housekeeping".  He eventually graduated and got a job as an RN.  Our incomes were basically even at that point.  Then, along came a kid.  I switched to working 4 days a week and he also worked four tens, so each of us was home one day a week with our daughter and she only needed care three times a week.  We paid my Mother to watch her those three days a week until my Mother returned to her "school year" job.  That was when we realized I needed to be home with her.  We needed the extra income though.  So - I made it happen.  I got licensed to do home day care and opened my own childcare business.  I went from finance to child care.  That was a big change.  But I made it happen. We had extra cash coming in and I got to guarantee my daughter was getting the care and attention I felt was necessary, even if it meant 12 hr days 5 days a week.  That has always been my role in our relationship - I MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.  If my husband has expressed a dream - I try to make it a reality.  You want to be an RN?  Let's make it happen.  You want to live around mountains and wildlife?  Let's make it happen. You want to be a rural care Nurse Practitioner?  Let's make it happen.

My husband had mentioned moving "west" several times.  He wanted to live in nature, away from big cities.  He wanted me to be able to stay at home and not HAVE to bring in extra income.  He had even packed away things we barely used and put them in the basement because he really wanted to do it.  We talked about it but life went on.  Were we really going to leave our home state?  Were we really going to leave our families?  With a child and dog and owning two properties? I still remember the night I said - Well, let's make it happen.  We were doing our nightly walk with our daughter and dog, walking through the Downtown area that we lived in.  I had an "aha" moment earlier that week.  Quitting my job and starting a day care business had been a huge risk, but the payoff had been great.  The biggest risks really can bring the biggest rewards. So, let's move.  Let's see what happens.  Let's try it.  He agreed.  So, long story short, we ended up in Idaho, with me at home with our children, and him pursuing his dream of opening a rural clinic.

I take care of everything on the home front.  Everything.  All those little things that make a household run.  He has been taking care of the big things.  Work and school.  I will be honest that I have often found myself annoyed when I find dishes left on the table, or dirty clothes dumped next to the bed.  Could he really not make the effort to put them in the sink or put the clothes in the dirty clothes pile?  Yes, he is working non stop, but so am I.  I don't get a break either, right?  I'm making this place run, I'm making it possible for him to not have to worry about anything at home, couldn't he do a little thing here or there?  I give so much of myself, between the kids and keeping this ship afloat.  Can't he do some of the little things sometimes?

Today I had another "Aha" moment.  We recently bought a "new" vehicle and the dealer gave us a loaner to use while they fixed some minor things.  My husband took that to work so I wouldn't have to worry about installing the car seats in it.  We had gymnastics today.  I loaded the kids into their car seats and hopped in the driver's seat.  I went to put the key in and stopped.  The car was full of wrappers.  The dashboard was all dusty.  There were coffee spills.  I wanted to cry.  Tears came to my eyes.  This man has always kept his cars spotless.  It is one of those things that has always mattered to him.  He cleans out MY car whenever he rides in it.  But his car was a mess.  He has stopped doing that one little thing for himself, that I know matters so much to him, so that he can do all of these big things for us.  He is making things happen.  He has stepped up to the plate and HE is making things happen.  It reminded me that I am not the only one giving every last once of myself to this family - he is too.  He has given up doing the little things so that he can do the big things.

So, after our morning errands we did what we should.  We cleaned up the inside of the car and filled the gas tank.  We took care of some of the little things so Papa can focus on the big things.

He did apparently have one little thing in there for himself. 

 A note I left him almost a year ago.

After all, it's the little things.